This post is basically a brain dump and it might get a little whiney so I won’t be offended if you want to skip it. I need a place to get out what I’m feeling and that’s the whole reason most blogs started way-back-when, right?
The gist is that I’m sick of myself. I know most of this is depression related as I’ve been going through a season of that lately, but I’ve been around this block enough times to know what to do to help myself and I’m just not doing it. Admittedly, that’s part of the struggle with depression. You know that getting out of the house and doing something with friends or going for a run will be good for you, but the last thing you want to do is shower and put on makeup and leave the house, in fact, the mere thought of it makes you want to cry, or makes you actually cry.
I’m not to the point of tears yet, but I have definitely been letting myself wallow in it which is easy to do when your significant other has a job that keeps him busy. Not that any of my issues are his fault, I’m not saying that at all, my issues have nothing to do with him, it’s just easier to lose myself when I’m alone with no one watching, you know? We don’t have kids so it’s not like I have to keep it together for a child, it’s just Kokopuffer and she’s pretty content cuddling on the couch. #enabler
Depression also makes me apathetic. Don’t worry, it has thankfully never affected me with suicidal thoughts of any kind whatsoever, it’s just that nothing seems to really matter. If I ever disappear from Instagram for a couple weeks you can bet I’m struggling with depression because I’m thinking “what the F does it matter”. Who cares what meal we ate last night or what bouquet of flowers I bought or what my new shoes look like. It’s not a big deal in the grand scheme of life so what difference does it make, you know? I basically just don’t give a shit. Not exercising… so what. Eating crap food… so what. Skipping makeup and pulling my hair up in a jaw clip or hat instead of actually doing it… so what. (<– sorry to my coworkers and husband for that one!)
At least I am aware when this is happening, I do recognize the signs, this time around has just been harder to shake off. Not that you can just shake off depression, it’s not a matter of just choosing to be happy. That may play a role, thinking about and doing things that bring you joy is good, but it’s not usually that simple.
My depression exploded onto the scene my last year of college, although reading back through my journals I can see that it had slowly been building since my freshman year. I was in counseling and on medication for a while but was eventually able to go off of both (although I think counseling would be beneficial for pretty much everyone). I am the type who doesn’t like to take drugs if I don’t have to and would rather find natural ways to treat a problem first. From past experience I know that exercise can help, and from a really recent experience with Whole30 I know that clean eating can help. SO WHY AM I NOT DOING THOSE THINGS??? Like I said above, it’s not easy to get yourself out of it when you’re in it, so I’m hoping that purging it all here will be a counseling session of sorts, and if anyone is actually reading this nonsense you can feel free to yell at me too. Or knock me upside the head a la Gibbs. Whatever works.
The depression also appears to be adding to my stress which adds to the depression which adds to the stress which adds to the… you get it, it’s a never-ending cycle which is terrible for me physically. I hold stress in my shoulders and it also comes out in grinding my teeth at night and clenching my jaw which has resulted in some great TMJ issues and causes really awesome headaches. The last few weeks my neck decided to join the party and got totally wasted. So embarrassing.
So, I’m back to seeing a Chiropractor which has provided some relief already which has been great, although it’s not covered by insurance which hasn’t been so great. I’m seeing her again twice this week which I’m hoping will get things back to a manageable situation. I also found out that a yoga class I thought was gone is actually still around so I might go back to that since stretching seriously helps, and there’s a new gym that opened nearby that Mr. Won’t Run and I will hopefully check out soon. We both want/need to get back to working out and ideally we’d be able to go together early in the mornings. This is ideal in theory but I am not a morning person at all, made even worse by the depression so it will be a struggle, but I know it’s what my body needs, and from doing Whole30 I know that clean eating helps me sleep better which in turn makes mornings easier, so we’ve gotta clean up our diet again!
Okay, I think that’s all my word vomit for now, thanks to anyone who is still reading. Like I said at the beginning, I just needed a brain dump and to get this all out. I’m not looking for sympathy or pity, I’m not worried about grammar or SEO, this was just for me to call myself out on some stuff and put it all out there. Mental health issues should be talked about, and maybe this will help someone who is feeling the same way know that they’re not alone. Or maybe it’ll just introduce you to my crazy, ha!