Going through the big D and don’t mean Dallas. Or Divorce. It’s the other D.

Depression.

This post is basically a brain dump and it might get a little whiney so I won’t be offended if you want to skip it.  I need a place to get out what I’m feeling and that’s the whole reason most blogs started way-back-when, right?

The gist is that I’m sick of myself.  I know most of this is depression related as I’ve been going through a season of that lately, but I’ve been around this block enough times to know what to do to help myself and I’m just not doing it.  Admittedly, that’s part of the struggle with depression.  You know that getting out of the house and doing something with friends or going for a run will be good for you, but the last thing you want to do is shower and put on makeup and leave the house, in fact, the mere thought of it makes you want to cry, or makes you actually cry.

I’m not to the point of tears yet, but I have definitely been letting myself wallow in it which is easy to do when your significant other has a job that keeps him busy.  Not that any of my issues are his fault, I’m not saying that at all, my issues have nothing to do with him, it’s just easier to lose myself when I’m alone with no one watching, you know?  We don’t have kids so it’s not like I have to keep it together for a child, it’s just Kokopuffer and she’s pretty content cuddling on the couch. #enabler

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Depression also makes me apathetic.  Don’t worry, it has thankfully never affected me with suicidal thoughts of any kind whatsoever, it’s just that nothing seems to really matter.  If I ever disappear from Instagram for a couple weeks you can bet I’m struggling with depression because I’m thinking “what the F does it matter”.  Who cares what meal we ate last night or what bouquet of flowers I bought or what my new shoes look like.  It’s not a big deal in the grand scheme of life so what difference does it make, you know?  I basically just don’t give a shit.  Not exercising… so what.  Eating crap food… so what.  Skipping makeup and pulling my hair up in a jaw clip or hat instead of actually doing it… so what. (<– sorry to my coworkers and husband for that one!)

At least I am aware when this is happening, I do recognize the signs, this time around has just been harder to shake off.  Not that you can just shake off depression, it’s not a matter of just choosing to be happy.  That may play a role, thinking about and doing things that bring you joy is good, but it’s not usually that simple.

My depression exploded onto the scene my last year of college, although reading back through my journals I can see that it had slowly been building since my freshman year.  I was in counseling and on medication for a while but was eventually able to go off of both (although I think counseling would be beneficial for pretty much everyone).  I am the type who doesn’t like to take drugs if I don’t have to and would rather find natural ways to treat a problem first.  From past experience I know that exercise can help, and from a really recent experience with Whole30 I know that clean eating can help.  SO WHY AM I NOT DOING THOSE THINGS???  Like I said above, it’s not easy to get yourself out of it when you’re in it, so I’m hoping that purging it all here will be a counseling session of sorts, and if anyone is actually reading this nonsense you can feel free to yell at me too.  Or knock me upside the head a la Gibbs.  Whatever works.

gibbs
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The depression also appears to be adding to my stress which adds to the depression which adds to the stress which adds to the… you get it, it’s a never-ending cycle which is terrible for me physically.  I hold stress in my shoulders and it also comes out in grinding my teeth at night and clenching my jaw which has resulted in some great TMJ issues and causes really awesome headaches.  The last few weeks my neck decided to join the party and got totally wasted.  So embarrassing.

So, I’m back to seeing a Chiropractor which has provided some relief already which has been great, although it’s not covered by insurance which hasn’t been so great.  I’m seeing her again twice this week which I’m hoping will get things back to a manageable situation.  I also found out that a yoga class I thought was gone is actually still around so I might go back to that since stretching seriously helps, and there’s a new gym that opened nearby that Mr. Won’t Run and I will hopefully check out soon.  We both want/need to get back to working out and ideally we’d be able to go together early in the mornings.  This is ideal in theory but I am not a morning person at all, made even worse by the depression so it will be a struggle, but I know it’s what my body needs, and from doing Whole30 I know that clean eating helps me sleep better which in turn makes mornings easier, so we’ve gotta clean up our diet again!

Okay, I think that’s all my word vomit for now, thanks to anyone who is still reading.  Like I said at the beginning, I just needed a brain dump and to get this all out.  I’m not looking for sympathy or pity, I’m not worried about grammar or SEO, this was just for me to call myself out on some stuff and put it all out there.  Mental health issues should be talked about, and maybe this will help someone who is feeling the same way know that they’re not alone.  Or maybe it’ll just introduce you to my crazy, ha!

jess
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Comments

  1. Carrie says

    Hugs!!!! What perfect timing for your post because I’ve been feeling depressed myself lately too AND had just contemplated dumping on my blog too!

    Our reasons may have different beginnings but in the end, we all need support and to feel loved as we get through (and hopefully overcome) it. Once again I wish we lived closer!!!

  2. jessica says

    sorry your down, but a big thank you for sharing! It definately does help to know other people do have the same struggles with the ugly cycle of depression and have times when the rut gets so deep its easier to sit and wallow rather than claw your way out…..i hope your brain dump was enough to get you back on track!

    • says

      Thank you Jessica! The brain dump has helped and the clawing out has commenced. It’s definitely a cycle and sometimes just admitting it to someone is the first step to getting out of it.

    • says

      Thanks Meredith! I like the way you think, scheduling a pedicure immediately!! It might not solve all my problems but pampering never hurts, and seriously, it’s hard to be totally sad with pretty toes, and I’m so overdue it’s not even funny, ha! :)

  3. says

    Hi Sarah, I’m sorry to read this post but glad to see that you are being so honest and open about it. I think that is probably a helpful start to recovery. Also know that you have lots of people in this world who care about you! Hang in there and take care of yourself. Let me know if I can do anything to help.

    • says

      Yes, sharing has already started to help me feel better about it, like bringing it into the open has provided a way out. It’s so easy to feel alone and isolated, some of that is my own doing because of the depression, but you’re right, there are people out there who care and I need to remember that and reach out. Thank you Erin!!

  4. says

    “Who cares what meal we ate last night or what bouquet of flowers I bought or what my new shoes look like.” Me! I do! Seriously, I do. I know it’s not earth-shattering, world-altering information, but you affect people more than you know. I never would have done the Whole 30 if you hadn’t done it (and posted about it). Heck, I only met you because you were posting Red Faced Runner photos with our furry running companions on Instagram! So, did your photos cure cancer or solve world hunger? Nope. But they sure changed my life for the better! What would I have done without your Lifesavers Gummies or Moose Munch Bars care packages? Those both arrived at times when I desperately needed them. And we make a blogging/Instagramming/finding-all-the-best-food-around dream team.

    And now I’m rambling, but my point is that even though you may be sick of you, I sure as heck am not! I am so thankful for every blog & Instagram comment, Twitter mention or favorite, e-mail, text, card, or package. Even when you’re experiencing the big D, you still manage to brighten many of my days.

    Also, I am so thankful that you’re blogging about this. The world needs more posts like this about mental illness – honest and genuine and real.

    Lastly, oh my goodness, you have the cutest enabler on the planet! Enable away, #KokoPuffer! Cuddle your heart out…then take her for a run. 😉

    • says

      Oh Becky, you totally made me cry, partly because I know that you understand the impact of this issue more than a lot of people do. I’m thankful I have it relatively easy and have the ability to recognize and pull myself out of the depths. As hard and real as it is for me, I know others experience this issue in a much deeper way. Love you friend!

  5. Marc says

    Hi
    I follow you on IG and thought I’d check out your blog. Nice blog, well I’m not actually looking for a sports bra for my wife but I will pass on the link!!

    What I wanted to say is thanks for sharing this post. It’s never easy to be vulnerable and you did a great job sharing and helping those who read this post learn and know it’s ok to risk sharing their feelings and thoughts.

    I was wondering if you have ever taken 5-HTP or Tryptophan or even GABA? Those amino acids could help replenish your low levels and help.

    Marc

    • says

      Hi Marc – Champoeg? – thanks for stopping by! That was definitely a post I needed to get off my chest, and there’s still work to be done but I was surprised how much blogging about it helped. I’ve heard of 5-HTP but not the other two so thank you for the suggestions, I’ll definitely look into them!

  6. says

    First, thanks for your Mood Spray order. The bottle of Apathy you ordered will help a little bit. Second, I totally get it. I’ve struggled with depression for most of my life and those stretches of nothing-ness are really hard to weather. I, myself, just got through about two months of constant blah that was interrupted only by negative thoughts I repeated in my mind over and over again. Doing something – anything – is better than nothing, but doing something is just…so hard to do. Even doing your hair ALL THE WAY, right? I don’t have any magic cures, but I just wanted to say that I completely understand. Here’s to hoping that you are feeling better today.

    • says

      Heidi!! I can’t wait to get the apathy spray, it was just too perfect! So glad I discovered you through The Lively Show :) Thank you for commenting, I’m sorry that you struggle with it too but it does help knowing there are others who understand what can be hard to explain. Here’s to anti-apathy and caring enough to do our hair all the way, LOL!! xoxo

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