(image via IG: @thatpnwlife)
“Not all those who wander are lost”
We’ve all heard that line before (which is apparently from the poem All That is Gold Does Not Glitter written by J. R. R. Tolkien for The Lord of the Rings), but it was running through my head a while ago and it dawned on me that it could also be flipped:
NOT ALL THOSE WHO ARE LOST, WANDER
(Punctuation Sidebar: should there be a comma between lost and wander? Feels like it needs a pause? Thoughts?)
For example, sometimes the lost will stay in the same place for a while, and even though they want something different they have no idea what that something different might be so instead of wandering they stay… and stay… and stay… until it becomes harder to stay than to get up and wander.
Welcome to my life.
I quit my job in December and have no idea what’s next. I’m scared sh*tless but it had finally become harder to stay than to go. It was a good job for nine years and I worked with people who had become like family, but the last four years or so have been a struggle. It’s a company in the HVAC field and my position was to support the salesman in quoting projects and ordering equipment and all the paperwork and file management and customer service that comes with it. It paid the bills but I can tell you absolutely that I am NOT passionate about boilers. Couldn’t care less. At all. Seriously.
The feeling of wanting something different had become harder to ignore, but I didn’t know what else I wanted to do or what I was passionate about so the hunt for something new wasn’t easy. For a while I thought the doula thing was my answer but after receiving what I thought was a clear ‘YES’ to pursue that, it became a clear ‘NO’ a few months later and I’m still a little upset about that, but thankful that I tried it and now I know.
Stress over the work (and life fulfillment) situation started manifesting physically more and more over the last few years, and especially this past year with major neck/shoulder tension, TMJ issues, and headaches (and general b*tchiness if we’re being honest). All of that compounded my up and down struggles with depression; I hadn’t been my usual happy self in a long time and Mr. Won’t Run had been noticing. I tried to motivate myself with a post-it on the bathroom mirror – “your job is cake. suck it up. it could be worse”. Inspiring, right?
Then an unexpected gift arrived.
I feel a little funny sharing about it, but we received a very surprising financial gift from some family for our anniversary. After lots of discussion with Mr. Won’t Run, lots of prayer, and lots of thinking it through to make sure I wasn’t being rash, I gave my notice at work. We agreed that I should just quit and take some time to figure out what’s next. I can’t be a stay-at-home-wife forever, I’ll need to bring home some bacon eventually, but thanks to that gift we have a cushion that’s making the one income thing easier to manage for a little while. I am still in awe of this situation and feel incredibly undeserving. I’m sure a ton of people are out there like me who are hating their current jobs and feeling like they don’t have a way out and then this falls into our lap. I promise to make the most of it!
I feel like good things are coming in February and I’ve given myself a blog-every-day challenge for the month. Hopefully you don’t get sick of me. I feel like I’m on a journey and it’s equal parts exciting and terrifying. I’m trying to focus on the exciting.
So, I am now unemployed and free to wander to my heart’s content!
If only I knew where I wanted to wander to.