Truths We Have Forgotten

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I heard something the other day that literally stopped me in my tracks.  Like, *literally*, literally.

I was walking Koko while listening to a podcast and the words I was hearing made me stop walking!  It was like I had to stand still because if I moved I might miss some of it, like my brain wouldn’t be able to handle walking and absorbing words at the same time.

It was one of those moments where something hits you so deep inside that you kind of can’t breath, and you’re a little shocked at how deeply affected you are, but at the same time it sort of makes sense.  It’s not even the first time you’ve heard some of these words, they’ve been in your head for a while in various iterations, but for some reason… this time… it feels like the words are etching themselves on your heart and you can physically feel it.  It kinda hurts, but in a good way.  The kind of hurt like after a workout where you know you’re building muscle, but in this case the muscle is your heart… and maybe it’s healing… but maybe you didn’t realize it was broken… but you wonder how you couldn’t have known because you’re certainly feeling something right now.

Anyone else ever had that happen?  No?  Just me?  Okay.

The words came from Christine Hassler in a new-to-me podcast called ‘Over it and on with it’.  Christine was a very young and very successful Hollywood Agent (she kissed George Clooney one New Year’s Eve), but at age 25 she walked away to figure out what she really wanted.  Christine is now a professional speaker and author, traveling the country leading seminars and workshops.  She is a Life Coach who counsels her clients through questions like “Who Am I, What do I want, and How do I get it?”  You know, simple and easy questions like that.  Her podcast episodes are actually live coaching/counseling sessions which have been so interesting, but the first episode where she tells her own story is what really got me.  After sharing her story, she leaves you with this message…

(Yes, I had to sit down after the walk and transcribe it.  I don’t want to forget.)

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When you were born you were aware of these truths:

You are whole and complete.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you.

You are worthy and deserving.

You are a spiritual being having a human experience.

You can trust the universe.

All there is and all that matters is love.

You ARE love.

And then… you got older.

And things happened.

And you started to forget the truth.

You started moving out of the awareness of love and into fear, doubt, and judgment.

Someone told you that you did something wrong and you started to believe that something was wrong with you.

Someone in your life left, or wasn’t really there for you, and you began to question whether or not you’re lovable.

You saw or heard people yelling at each other and you got scared, you got yelled at for something you said and you decided it was better to stop speaking your truth.

You got hurt or saw someone get hurt and you stopped trusting.

Your heart got broken so you thought it’d be safer to build walls around it.

You began to doubt love.

People called you a mean name and you believed them, and now you call yourself that.

People said your dreams are impossible and you believed them, and now you don’t dream anymore.

You got left out.

You felt isolated or separate, now you feel like you’re living on the sidelines of life because you mistakenly believe that that’s where you belong.

You experience rejection, now you’re afraid to go after what you want.

You began to believe that you’re alone and you have to do it all on your own.

Perhaps you’ve even concluded that asking for help is weak.

Maybe you didn’t do as well as something you wanted and judged yourself as a failure.

Some label or diagnosis got thrown on you and you started to confuse it for who you are.

You looked at other people and thought they were smarter, more attractive, and better in some way, and now you work hard to make yourself more like others.

Not only did you stop liking you, you stopped being you.

You got disappointed and stopped believing in magic and miracles.

Life felt unfair and you questioned God.

You began to look to the outside world for validation and forgot that your worth has nothing to do with what you do, what you have, or who you’re with.

As time has gone on you’ve gotten farther and farther from the truth, and you know it.

You feel an inner call to stop believing the lies.

There’s a sense of urgency emerging.

It is time to start remembering the truth, and here it is:

You didn’t do anything wrong.

You are not broken.

There is nothing you need to do or be in order to be loved.

You are safe.

It is safe to trust.

You are not alone.

There is no one any better or worse than you.

You are uniquely you, and you are absolutely perfect at being you.

You belong, you are worthy, and deserving.

You are not what you have been labeled as.

People were mean to you because they didn’t know any better.

People leaving or not being there for you had nothing to do with you.

It is not weak to ask for help.

Support is available to you.

You are not alone and you’ve never been.

It’s impossible for your heart to truly break.  It is unbreakable and full of unconditional love and compassion.

Everything in your life that you’ve experienced is for your learning and growth.

Stop asking “why did this happen” and start asking “what can I learn from what’s happened”.

Trust that all those times you didn’t get what you wanted, you got what you truly needed.

I am sorry that the people you wanted to hear “I am sorry” from did not say it to you.

You can forgive even what you think is unforgivable.

Forgiveness is not about condoning what happened, it’s about your freedom.

As soon as you truly accept yourself, your feel of rejection will vaporize.

You have never really failed, you’ve always done the best you could.

Seriously.

The universe is for you.

Are you for you?

You don’t need to learn how to love yourself, you already know.

Love is your essence.

You’ve just forgotten that truth.

Activate your memory by reducing the time and energy you spend on thoughts and actions that reinforce your forgetfulness.

Stop expecting anything or anyone else to do it for you.

There is nothing you have to find, simply recognize what is already there.

Your purpose in life is not to do something grand or achieve some goal.

Your purpose in life is to return to where you began:

Love.

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Gut punch to the heart, right?  I wanted to share because I know I’m not the only one that needs to hear these words and remember these truths.  Hopefully they helped you remember too.

xoxo,
Sarah

PS – Here’s the podcast episode if you want to listen, the stuff above starts at the 31:31 mark, but her story is really interesting so I’d suggest listening to the whole thing :)

PPS – Her book, Expectation Hangover, is only .99cents on Amazon (Kindle) right now, through 9/26 I think.

 

A Wasted Day

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If you want to skip this post I won’t be mad at you.

I’m feeling a little whiney about what I did (or didn’t do) yesterday, and writing about stuff helps me figure things out so this is more of a journal entry than a blog post that offers any useful content to society.  Sometimes those are fun, right?

So, let me back up.  The last six weeks since I quit my job were basically a staycation.  I gave myself some time off without guilt to do or not do whatever I wanted.  Sleep until noon?  Sure!  Stay in pajamas all day?  Absolutely!  Binge through the DVR backlog?  Duh!  But after a while of that I was getting sick of my lump-on-the-couch self, and I found that not having a schedule anymore was harder than expected, it would suddenly be 3pm and I hadn’t done a darn thing all day long.

I decided I’d start real life with a real schedule in February, and while the morning is pretty fixed, the rest of the day is open to change but this is my general idea:

  • 5:30-6:30  Wake up, coffee, make breakfast for Mr. Won’t Run and I.  This started when we did W30 and we really liked starting our mornings off together so I knew I wanted to bring this back.
  • 6:30-8:00  This is flexible… walk Koko, more coffee, check emails, read, watch some news (KGW for the win!), leave at 8 for yoga.
  • 9:45-11:00  Back from yoga, snack, do a little cleaning, organizing, a load of laundry, get showered and ready for the rest of the day.
  • 11:00-12:30  Run any errands I need to like grocery shopping, if no errands than I can blog or read or work on the two online courses I’m taking or research my business idea.
  • 12:30-1:30  Lunch
  • 1:30-4:00  A second block of time where I can blog or read or work on the two online courses I’m taking or research my business idea.
  • 4:00-5:00  Get started on dinner.  This could change depending on the day and what time Mr. Won’t Run will be getting home.

Monday and Tuesday went great!  I stuck to the morning plan but afternoons were a bit scattered while I’m still figuring out what really works for a schedule.  I was still getting stuff done though and feeling accomplished by the end of the day.

Then it was Wednesday.  Mr Won’t Run ended up leaving early for work, before the 5:30 alarm went off, so he was gone when I woke up.  Awesome, I could sleep in, but did I want to?  I honestly sat there in bed for about 7 minutes, staring at the alarm on my phone.  Should I get up?  Should I reset it to 7:30 so I can sleep in but still make it to yoga?  I’m feeling pretty sore though.  Should I just go back to sleep and see what happens?  I went with the last option, figuring that if I really wanted to be up then I wouldn’t fall back asleep, but if I fell back asleep then my body must need it, right?

I woke up at 10:30.

Well, I actually woke up about every half hour between 5:30 and 10:30 so it’s not like I got quality sleep.  And then as I was scrolling Instagram I saw the gorgeous sunrise photos my Portland friends had posted.  There was an amazing hot pink sunrise and I totally missed it.

It took me forever to get going and I felt like I was moving through quicksand all day.  I didn’t do any blogging (wanted to blog every day this month and then missed day 3!!), I didn’t do any pleasure reading, I didn’t even watch any TV.  I basically just walked Koko, lost time on Facebook (sort of like those alien abduction stories where the people lost time), and ventured out to the grocery store around 2pm.  The best thing I did all day was make dinner.  It was delicious, but I want to feel like I’ve done more than that in a day.

Even though I was/am quite disappointed in myself, I think it was a good thing.  It made me realize I want to be up early getting my day started, I always feel better on the days I do.

Jump to this morning… alarm goes off at 5:30, Mr. Won’t Run was already up and he was getting ready to leave so no breakfast.  Kissed him goodbye and then considered getting back in bed.

W . T . F .

Even after feeling crappy about the day before, I was considering doing it again!  What is wrong with me?!!

Apparently my disappointment made me stronger because today I resisted my bad habit of sleeping as long as possible and then some (which feeds my depression), I put my rain jacket on and walked Koko, and put my yoga clothes on and headed to the coffee shop.  They open at 6am.  Maybe this was the fight or flight response, getting as far away as possible from the cozy bed that might kill me?  Haha!

So today I am one of those coffee shop bloggers.  Sitting here drinking my cardamom (carda-yum!!) latte, clicking away on the laptop, in my yoga pants.  Hello white lady stereotype, ha!

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I’m feeling pretty proud of myself, but here’s the thing… It’s going to be just as hard to leave my bed tomorrow.  If Mr. Won’t Run leaves early and I have no reason to be up cooking breakfast (as if I’m not reason enough – but that’s a whole other issue), I will again struggle with not climbing back into our cozy, fluffy bed.  I have no doubt there will be days that I give in, but I’m determined to start making better choices and healthier habits that feed my mind, body, and soul.  Right now I know that means getting up at 5:30 and starting the day.  It’s hard to really live this life when you sleep until noon.  I say that from experience, not with judgment.

So… there’s my blog vomit for today.  Maybe you found something helpful in it, even if it’s just knowing you’re not alone with the morning struggle.  Or am I the only one?

Do you have any tricks that help get you out of your cozy bed in the morning?

Life Lately – Not All Those Who Wander Are Lost

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(image via IG: @thatpnwlife)

“Not all those who wander are lost”

We’ve all heard that line before (which is apparently from the poem All That is Gold Does Not Glitter written by J. R. R. Tolkien for The Lord of the Rings), but it was running through my head a while ago and it dawned on me that it could also be flipped:

NOT ALL THOSE WHO ARE LOST, WANDER

(Punctuation Sidebar: should there be a comma between lost and wander? Feels like it needs a pause? Thoughts?)

For example, sometimes the lost will stay in the same place for a while, and even though they want something different they have no idea what that something different might be so instead of wandering they stay… and stay… and stay… until it becomes harder to stay than to get up and wander.

Welcome to my life.

I quit my job in December and have no idea what’s next.  I’m scared sh*tless but it had finally become harder to stay than to go.  It was a good job for nine years and I worked with people who had become like family, but the last four years or so have been a struggle.  It’s a company in the HVAC field and my position was to support the salesman in quoting projects and ordering equipment and all the paperwork and file management and customer service that comes with it.  It paid the bills but I can tell you absolutely that I am NOT passionate about boilers.  Couldn’t care less.  At all.  Seriously.

The feeling of wanting something different had become harder to ignore, but I didn’t know what else I wanted to do or what I was passionate about so the hunt for something new wasn’t easy.  For a while I thought the doula thing was my answer but after receiving what I thought was a clear ‘YES’ to pursue that, it became a clear ‘NO’ a few months later and I’m still a little upset about that, but thankful that I tried it and now I know.

Stress over the work (and life fulfillment) situation started manifesting physically more and more over the last few years, and especially this past year with major neck/shoulder tension, TMJ issues, and headaches (and general b*tchiness if we’re being honest).  All of that compounded my up and down struggles with depression; I hadn’t been my usual happy self in a long time and Mr. Won’t Run had been noticing.  I tried to motivate myself with a post-it on the bathroom mirror – “your job is cake. suck it up. it could be worse”.  Inspiring, right?

Then an unexpected gift arrived.

I feel a little funny sharing about it, but we received a very surprising financial gift from some family for our anniversary.  After lots of discussion with Mr. Won’t Run, lots of prayer, and lots of thinking it through to make sure I wasn’t being rash, I gave my notice at work.  We agreed that I should just quit and take some time to figure out what’s next.  I can’t be a stay-at-home-wife forever, I’ll need to bring home some bacon eventually, but thanks to that gift we have a cushion that’s making the one income thing easier to manage for a little while.  I am still in awe of this situation and feel incredibly undeserving.  I’m sure a ton of people are out there like me who are hating their current jobs and feeling like they don’t have a way out and then this falls into our lap.  I promise to make the most of it!

I feel like good things are coming in February and I’ve given myself a blog-every-day challenge for the month.  Hopefully you don’t get sick of me.  I feel like I’m on a journey and it’s equal parts exciting and terrifying.  I’m trying to focus on the exciting.

So, I am now unemployed and free to wander to my heart’s content!

If only I knew where I wanted to wander to.